one door opens.. another one shuts..
someone tell me what is going on.

what i really wanted.. i tried hard but could not get..
what i did not want.. i was given..
what i settle for.. i got almost effortlessly..

and so i wonder..
"And to the angel of the church in Philadelphia write,
'These things says He who is holy, He who is true, He who has the key of David, He who opens and no one shuts, and shuts and no one opens": ...

"fine.. U dont want me.. ill take this city and burn it. ill prove all of U wrong and make U eat Ur words. im not suitable? see me suitable when U see my works all over the cities. see me rebel against this free country. why are U still so interested when Ur not accepting me anyway. why do U care. see me burn this school and all thats been built. Master, Master, where's the dreams that I've been after?" - somewhat how i felt on my way back.. haha.. i was angry.. disappointed.. because i din get what i wanted.. feelings have died down a though i still wonder.. why am i put here?

 

down now..
youre finally here..
long awaited..

after what seemed like a long month of studio project, its finally over. a great sense of relief after my presentation on thursday. it felt like a whole burden jus lifted from my shoulders. and jus felt like like screaming mah lungs out(which i did alittle that day).

its crazy to imagine the next year ahead, with thoughts of whether i could get into the specialisation i wanted or not, how difficult i may be, and so on.. so all it wanted to do was to postpone thinking about it and think about now; enjoying holidays!... but i heard classmates talking about the second year; theres like a whole month+ of holidays and all U could think of is the stress of the second year?> heartattack thinking about it.. maybe? looking back.. first sem was like splitting my head apart. second sem felt a little quicker, sailing thru it with self deceive that its less stressful this time. overall, one year felt like seven minutes.. seven minutes under water. alright, probably not, i would have died, maybe 2mins. i guessed i learnt alot.. but sure wished the stress factor wasnt there, at all.

the whole month in studio project.. or maybe even before that.. and it feels like even until now.. theres that sian-sation.. the spirit of depression.. the soloman in ecclesiastes.. the feeling of -dont feel like doing anything-. with thoughts like -whatsthepointanyway-.

"What profit has a man from all his labor In which he toils under the sun?
One generation passes away, and another generation comes; But the earth abides forever.
The sun also rises, and the sun goes dow,And hastens to the place where it arose. The wind goes toward the south, And turns around to the north; The wind whirls about continually, And comes again on its circuit
All the rivers run to the sea, yet the sea is not full; To the place from which the rivers come, There they return again.
All things are full of labor; Man cannot express it. The eye is not satisfied with seeing, Nor the ear filled with hearing.
That which has bveen is what will be, That which is done is what will be done, And there is nothing new under the sun."

early in the morning
when the sun got in my eye
i felt a heaviness pouring
from a long and crazy night

from within there was a rising
something stuck in my head
a thought of vomiting
how did i get to this state

with eyes wide open
with my senses back together
i smelled something familiar
puke; i saw when i turned


-not a first hand experience but a spectator's words

we are not born to handle stress. spirits are contagious. every rose has its thorn. why did i end up here. 

after school reopened, i so hope for holidays. though, i never wished of school when it was holidays. i wished there is no homework like in secondary school days. yea i know that i should not look back to the past and all, but still.. how i wish. a life without worries, sounds really beautiful. a carefree life with nothing to hurry and get busy with. but back to reality, i am living in a real world. i cant quit school and expect everything to be alright, or can i? yes i love what i am studying. no i dont love what i am studying. generally, its something i like. but specifically i dont exactly like every single thing. how i wish everything is done at school and theres no homework to do at home. ill just be busy at school and i have no worries to take home.

-----
mayb i could really quit sch and be like this guy  [link]

the whole day,
the tune kept playing,
again and again in my head.
... .. .. ... .. .. ... .. .. 

fear of the dark

and now i say
just play it one more time
and again and again..

---

how i wish i could linger
i your awesome presence forever.
cos even though i know
you go wherever i may go
its never the same when im left alone.

-the foolish things you do when youre left alone.

the future now seems so near
five minutes to a new year

but nothing seemed to change
things still moved on like night to day

scream out loud
the earth still moved like yesterday
i tried to shout
everything still seemed the same

i stood still thinking
is that all?
i looked on wondering
if there's more..

---

what do i want?
what do i really want this year?
no idea.
i still feel this void inside.

As little children
We would dream of Christmas morn
Of all the gifts and toys
We knew we'd find
But we never realized
A baby born one blessed night
Gave us the greatest gift of our lives

We were the reason
That He gave His life
We were the reason
That He suffered and died
To a world that was lost
He gave all He could give
To show us the reason to live

As the years went by
We learned more about gifts
The giving of ourselves
And what that means
On a dark and cloudy day
A man hung crying in the rain
All because of love, all because of love

I've finally found the reason for living
It's in giving every part of my heart to Him
In all that I do every word that I say
I'll be giving my all just for Him, for Him

---

for a time every year,
the world stops to remember.
christmas carols they hear,
to honor the birth of a Saviour. 

---

no dog can serve two masters
no person can look in two directions
no man can love two women

Everybody likes to take a holiday
Everybody likes to take a rest
Spending time together with the family
Sharing lots of love and happiness.

Come on, ring those bells,
Light the Christmas tree,
Jesus is the king
Born for you and me.
Come on, ring those bells,
Every-body say,
Jesus, we remember
This your birthday.

Celebrations come because of something good.
Celebrations we love to recall
Mary had a baby boy in Bethleham
the greatest celebration of all.

Come on, ring those bells,
Light the Christmas tree,
Jesus is the King
Born for you and me.
Come on, ring those bells,
Every-body say,
Jesus, we remember
This your birthday.

---

in quick passing days
i felt the my holidays
so easily slipped away

maybe im not used to a short holiday at the end of the year. the year seemed to wrapped up so quickly. 2 weeks? wheres my two months? my first week jus went by, seemed like i made my time worth though i havent done anything i have been wanting to. well now im starting on something; watching the fifth element for schoolwork's sake. how can i say i want my holiday when im already having it?

Everybody likes to take a holiday
Everybody likes to take a rest
Spending time together with the family
Sharing lots of love and happiness.

Come on, ring those bells,
Light the Christmas tree,
Jesus is the king
Born for you and me.
Come on, ring those bells,
Every-body say,
Jesus, we remember
This your birthday.

Celebrations come because of something good.
Celebrations we love to recall
Mary had a baby boy in Bethleham
the greatest celebration of all.

Come on, ring those bells,
Light the Christmas tree,
Jesus is the King
Born for you and me.
Come on, ring those bells,
Every-body say,
Jesus, we remember
This your birthday.

---

in quick passing days
i felt the my holidays
so easily slipped away

maybe im not used to a short holiday at the end of the year. the year seemed to wrapped up so quickly. 2 weeks? wheres my two months? my first week jus went by, seemed like i made my time worth though i havent done anything i have been wanting to. well now im starting on something; watching the fifth element for schoolwork's sake. how can i say i want my holiday when im already having it?

Everybody likes to take a holiday
Everybody likes to take a rest
Spending time together with the family
Sharing lots of love and happiness.

Come on, ring those bells,
Light the Christmas tree,
Jesus is the king
Born for you and me.
Come on, ring those bells,
Every-body say,
Jesus, we remember
This your birthday.

Celebrations come because of something good.
Celebrations we love to recall
Mary had a baby boy in Bethleham
the greatest celebration of all.

Come on, ring those bells,
Light the Christmas tree,
Jesus is the King
Born for you and me.
Come on, ring those bells,
Every-body say,
Jesus, we remember
This your birthday.

---

in quick passing days
i felt the my holidays
so easily slipped away

maybe im not used to a short holiday at the end of the year. the year seemed to wrapped up so quickly. 2 weeks? wheres my two months? my first week jus went by, seemed like i made my time worth though i havent done anything i have been wanting to. well now im starting on something; watching the fifth element for schoolwork's sake. how can i say i want my holiday when im already having it?

Everybody likes to take a holiday
Everybody likes to take a rest
Spending time together with the family
Sharing lots of love and happiness.

Come on, ring those bells,
Light the Christmas tree,
Jesus is the king
Born for you and me.
Come on, ring those bells,
Every-body say,
Jesus, we remember
This your birthday.

Celebrations come because of something good.
Celebrations we love to recall
Mary had a baby boy in Bethleham
the greatest celebration of all.

Come on, ring those bells,
Light the Christmas tree,
Jesus is the King
Born for you and me.
Come on, ring those bells,
Every-body say,
Jesus, we remember
This your birthday.

---

in quick passing days
i felt the my holidays
so easily slipped away

maybe im not used to a short holiday at the end of the year. the year seemed to wrapped up so quickly. 2 weeks? wheres my two months? my first week jus went by, seemed like i made my time worth though i havent done anything i have been wanting to. well now im starting on something; watching the fifth element for schoolwork's sake. how can i say i want my holiday when im already having it?

Feliz Navidad
Feliz Navidad
Feliz Navidad
Prospero Ano y Felicidad.

I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas
I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas
I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas
From the bottom of my heart.

---

the beauty of observing..
taking time to conversing with..
and stepping into the world of..
a little child.

...Nor favour to men of skill;
But time and chance happen to them all.

For man also does not know his time:
Like  fish taken in a cruel net.
Like birds caught in a snare,
So the sons of men snared in an evil time,
When it falls suddenly upon them.

but know this, that if the master of the house had known what hour the theif would come, he would have watched and not allowed his house to be broken into. Therefore you also be ready, for the Son of Man is coming at an hour you do not expect.

the first fall hurts the most.
the unseen wounds have never healed
i still hope from a fallen rose
i still think of the times with you

those bitter days
those lovely nights
we stayed awake
we lived a life

i told myself to let it go
but my heart just turned cold
i told myself to let it go
but the memories just couldnt go

---
we judge others by their actions
we judge ourselves by intentions

i have yet to understand why someone would freely give, and give, and give. even after how i did not cherish what was given, again and agin.

-the ways different people express themselves
-the ways different people look at things
-the ways different people react
-the things that make you unique

enjoy the process; have the time of your life
stay true to yourself; why compromise for others?
give it your best shot; be satisfied with it.

it has interest me, a fact.
the fact the eagles soar alone.
pigeons and crows fly together. alot together. 

 

the wicked flee when no one pursues,
but the righteous are bold as a lion.

afraid
of the unknown
i laid
my mind in fear
disobeyed
went on my own
influenced my peer
like theives
we walked with caution
i saw
the face of fathers
i fled
with thoughts of regret

the stress of it has killed the fun
your grace has left me with thanks giving

"you gave what the world couldn't offer me
say what they want say what they want
I are free".. indeed we are. 

i do not want to oversleep i do not want to be a heavy sleeper i do not want to oversleep i do not want to be a heavy sleeper i do not want to oversleep i do not want to be a heavy sleeper i do not want to oversleep i do not want to be a heavy sleeper i do not want to oversleep i do not want to be a heavy sleeper i do not want to oversleep i do not want to be a heavy sleeper
i do not want to oversleep i do not want to be a heavy sleeper i do not want to oversleep i do not want to be a heavy sleeper i do not want to oversleep i do not want to be a heavy sleeper i do not want to oversleep i do not want to be a heavy sleeper i do not want to oversleep i do not want to be a heavy sleeper i do not want to oversleep i do not want to be a heavy sleeper
i do not want to oversleep i do not want to be a heavy sleeper i do not want to oversleep i do not want to be a heavy sleeper i want to wake up whenever i want i want to be a light sleeper i want to wake up whenever i want i want to be a light sleeper i want to wake up whenever i want i want to be a light sleeper i want to wake up whenever i want i want to be a light sleeper i want to wake up whenever i want i want to be a light sleeper i want to wake up whenever i want i want to be a light sleeper i want to wake up whenever i want i want to be a light sleeper
(why dont i jus ask for limitless life so i dont ever neeed to sleep. wooo) i want limitless life wohoo i want limitless life wohoo i want limitless life wohoo i want limitless life wohoo i want heaven on earth.